What you think of this sentence? anything wrong? 10 points for great help?
"In the past and the future, we remain committed to serve our customer with utmost attention, quality care and focused passion in mind. Our goal is to make you feel our sincerity in providing you with the best and experiencing the world-class sales and after-sales-services, a sensation that you’ll never forget."
Please read this sentence, is there any mistake? please correct for me as i need to submit this tomorrow and thanks for your help.
Answer:
We remain commited to serving our customers with the utmost attention, quality care and focused passion in mind.
I don't hink you can say in the past and the future and still use
"we remain committed"
Technically, it is okay (not great); however, it reads like spam. Are you thinking about sending this paragraph out as an email? I'd delete it immediately because it looks like unwanted advertising. PLEASE don't spam people! It's intrusive and annoying.
A bit of over kill i think.how do you remain commited in the past?
It will be better if it is changed like this:
"We remain committed as in the past and will continue to be so in the future to serve...."
VR
First of all, it sounds like total bullsh*t.
What on earth is "focused passion"?
IN the second sentence you want to change "experiencing" to "experience" to make it at least grammaticaly correct.
"A sensation that you'll never forget" made me laugh, it sounds like chocolate commercial.
"In the past and the future, we remain committed to serve you, our customer, with utmost attention, quality care and focused passion in mind. Our goal is to make you feel our sincerity in providing you with the best and experiencing the world-class sales and after-sales-services, a sensation that you’ll never forget."
This is my revision, you want to remain talking about "the customer" in the YOU mind frame.
GOOD LUCK.
We remain committed to serving each customer with passion, the utmost attention and quality care. Our determination to provide you with world-class sales and stewardship, is an experience that you’ll never forget.
Ew. That sentence is a mess.
1. Why say "in the past and the future"? That's implied. Say instead "We are committed ."
2. Change the tone to a "you" orientation so you're speaking directly to your customers. "We are committed to serving you with personal service ." (utmost attention sucks, makes it sound like you couldn't think of anything more appropriate to say there) ". attention to detail ." (quality is the most overused word in marketing, and admittedly I don't know what kind of "care" you mean, as I don't know your industry) ". and a passion for your success." ('focused passion' makes it sound like you're searching for their G-spot, and 'in mind' means you'll sure be thinking about it, not actually DOING it).
3. Nix "Our goal ." Don't tell me what you PLAN to do, tell me what you're GOING to do or ARE doing. Calls to action are always good direct ways to communicate with customers too. "You'll experience world-class service before, during and after the sale."
4. Now for the big finish. "A sensation you'll never forget"? What the hell are you advertising, and how many batteries does it take? Try this: "Experience (company name). We welcome your return."
Hope that helps.
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